Bloodbowl: Skaven vs Chaos Dwarves

“Welcome sports Fans! Well, what a game that was. We had thrills, we had spills and we had a healthy dose of gratuitous brutality. I’m Ken Krippler and in this part of the show we will review the game from the perspective of our winning team, the Reikland River Rats. We are joined by the team coach and Greyseer, Pyrhus Palepaws. Tell me Pyrhus, did you predict that victory?”

“I always predict victory, for the Great Horned Rat has shown me visions of how my team will be invincible this season.”

“Well, that’s great to know for all those Rats fans out there. So what did you think of your teams performance today?”

“I was pleased with the result, but disappointed by those malingerers, taken off in stretchers. None of their wounds were fatal. They should have been able to get back into the game.”

“Yes… perhaps. Your team often suffered serious casualties during their qualifying matches. Does this worry you?”

“Not as all. They have not yet lost a match, even when they were almost all hospitalised by the Utterly Savage Association. They know that winning is everything and that there are things I can do that are far worse than any death that you mere humans can imagine.”

“…er…ok then. Moving on. Let’s join our expert commentator Bob Bibbins and take a look at the match.”

“This was the first match of the new Mantis-Bowl, but it looks like we had both lovely weather and a good turnout, with just a few more River-Rats fans out there. And it looked like coach Pyrhus had his team well psyched up and ready for the play.”

“There were some last minute changes to the River Rats lineout when thrower Sneek Barbjaw was thrown off the team for trying to steal from the petty cash, but despite only fielding 11 players, those Skaven were looking good.”

“Similarly, their opponents, the Chaos Small-stars were also fielding a team with no reserves, which took a toll on both teams.”

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“So, what about that action today?”

“The Reikland River Rats received and there was a lovely opening play, with quarterback and team captain, Ratchitt Sleekit, passing to Amscray Scattersprint, who made a beautiful run, but was brutally brought down by one of the Bull-centaurs.”

Those bull-centaurs are certainly some of the most troublesome players on the Small-stars team, Bob.

“And the most vicious. After hospitalizing Amscray, that Centaur was sent off for a vicious foul on Skratch Mankarver, allowing Shagzwell Skuttlespike a chance to take possession and run a beautiful touchdown.”

“yes. That was certainly a good result for the River Rats. Those gutter runners are great at scoring touchdowns”

“The Skaven fans were going wild, giving lots of encouragement, when the Small-stars were receiving. That offensive line of there were extremely effective, putting another two Skaven players in the hospital. Flyting Hurpeez and Skititch Skavenspine. But then Jhenny Tailwortz managed to cripple on of their hobgoblin players.”

“I hear he had a broken hip, Bob.”

“And then Blitzer, Skritch Swiftkik managed to get possession score a second touchdown for the River Rats.”

It looked like the Small-Stars were more interested in injuries than touchdowns.

“That’s a good observation, Ken. It was close to the end of the second half and the chaos dwarf team decided to focus on taking out as many players as they could after that.”

“Yes. Their Dwarves were determined to kill the River Rats’ rat ogre, Danger Mouse.”

“Very true. I lost track of how many times he was tackled or fouled in that match. He seemed to he stunned for most of the match. He was stretchered off just before half time, but fortunately for the river Rats, he was roaring his way back onto the field at half time.”

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“I don’t know what warpstone concoction they put into his half time juice, but it certainly seemed to do the trick, Bob.”

“In the second half the Chaos Small-star coach seemed to have lost his focus.”

“I heard he was up all night in some bizarre chaos ritual, to invoke the dark powers to further bless his team.”

“I don’t know about dark powers, but the Dwarf blockers had some interesting tactics, ignoring the Rat Ogre and pairing up against the Skaven blitzers. Despite that, things certainly seemed to favor the River Rats in the second half. They had better coaching and the fans were certainly giving them more support too. Then¬†Jhenny Tailwortz surprised the fans when she put one of the dwarf blitzers in the hospital.

“I’m told he had two smashed ribs and will definitely be missing their next match.”

“An then Skritch Swiftkik managed to impale a Hobgoblin.”

“I heard that one had a punctured lung, but is recovering and will be back in training soon, Bob.”

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“The Chaos Small-stars went back to focusing on trying to take Danger Mouse off the field and he was soon passed out, back in the dugout. There was some lovely ball control from the Hobgoblins, with several neat passes, but then a fumble gave the River Rats a chance to blitz through their defences.”

“Yes. With two players in the dungeon and three in the hospital, there were several holes in the defensive line that the nimble Skaven players could exploit.”

“And once again it was Shagzwell who took possession and brought the ball home for a third touchdown.”

“yes, Shagzwell looks like he will certainly be a player to watch out for.”

“That he is, Ken.”


“The rest of the game was a lot less eventful.”

“It still made great viewing. Both teams were down on men. The Skaven had more knocked out, but the Dwarves had more players sent off. The Hobgoblins were making some good plays and the remaining Bull-centaur and the Chaos Dwarves made some great tackles.”

“Yes, but the River Rats made some good tackles too, with possession of the ball changing hand a few times, but the Small-stars just weren’t able to get past those sneaky Skaven.”

“Very true.”

“So there you have it. The first match of what looks like it will be a very interesting season of the new Mantis-Bowl tournament and our first winning team, the Reikland river Rats. So, tell me Bob, what do you think about the players and how they performed?”

“Well, for me the obvious man of the match for the Small-stars was their Hobgoblin quarterback. He made some beautiful passes and had possession of the ball far more than any other player.”

“Yes. The fans seemed to be with you on that choice, Bob.”

“And for the River Rats I am torn between Jhenny Tailwortz, who seems to be better at crippling the opposing players than the Rat Ogre, Shagzwell Skuttlespike for his two elegant touchdowns or Skritch Swiftkik for that surprise touchdown.”

“Yes. those all sound like good choices to me, but strangely the fans chose Amscray Scattersprint as man of the match.”

“I think it just reflects the education level of the average Skaven fan. I don’t think they can tell the difference between the number two or the number three.”

“Judging by the state of the toilets I don’t think they can tell the difference between a number one or a number two either, Bob.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“Well, that’s it for us. Be sure to join us next week for all the latest Bloodbowl action from the Mantis Bowl tournament.”